Not to wait.

Tuesday, December 28, 2021

“I packed a change of tops and fresh underwear into a plastic shopping bag. I just picked up, deciding not to wait….”

Branches’ icy fingertips

There’s waiting and then there’s waiting. I decided not to wait.

For some improvements, I need to wait as changing my operation of life and business needs a block of time. But that’s not true for everything.

Perhaps the best changes a person can make are those little changes, the promises one vows to oneself.

I was in the thick of Christmas preparations. With a week to go before the holiday, I found a moment to self-assess.

(Just to interject here, I realize I must sound like a repetitive record of the dullest kind – a continual grey, banal noise. But I think it’s the nature of the beast. To attempt at improvement or goal attainment is not all glittery and poetic. Most of the time it feels like a road in foggy weather.)

Both professionally and personally I realized I was not at points where I wanted to be. Certainly I had made drastic changes to both, plus I have been doing the internal mindset, even soulset, type revisions.

For example I have moved positively in the direction of being unapologetic. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it?

I am getting used to the idea of venturing out, beyond my comfort zone.

I have work to do in the area of choosing to take care of myself. I need stronger limits but not for the world outside of myself rather for my own actions.

Before Christmas I realized I was not getting done what I needed. Scarier yet was the realization that I usually do not accomplish tasks because I have the approach that I will reserve blocks of time to complete them.

Once in awhile I actually do create blocks of time. Mostly though, such times are fallacies. I felt wonderful with my holiday decorating but I thought about business and art. I thought about what I wanted to accomplish.

I looked at the Christmas trees, dreaming of what that kind of operation would feel like.

What would I be like? What were my expectations?

I concluded that I do not have the time. Oh! I don’t mean the time sense such as “I am fifty-six years old” lifespan type time. Although my mortality is a factor, there are countless numbers of people leading extremely active lives as they age. There are limits of course. I don’t see myself competing in the Olympics or becoming a prize fighter.

But to carve out a creative life? Yes, I believe it’s possible. To fine tune my creativity? Yes, I believe it is possible.

No, my time warning bells occurred thinking that I could reset my life and how I operate if I had a block of time to redo and research and plan. “I will figure out a new schedule and set priorities then,” I plotted to myself.

As I stood among the trees and lights and candles I realized that big blocks of time don’t exist. They never had, even when I scheduled big blocks of days. The blocks of time isn’t a solution. They won’t exist on the future, at least not for the purpose of scheduling and planning.

Christmas trees

I won’t get caught up. Never. Never ever.

I had been so wrong. I realized I planned like that everywhere. I will derive solutions with the promise of time. Now of course there are decisions – plenty of them – that I make every single day. The ones closest to my heart, for myself, I keep for that promised land of time.

Oh, Stephanie. No, no, no.

It was the best Christmas gift I ever gave to myself. Let the lesson soak in. Let the prayer sink in. Let oneself realign with the universe in just a bit of a different way.

Just a little bit…

The plotted course.

My mind flooded. I figured this realization just gave me more opportunities to fail. I failed with the blocks of time approach. I did not have faith that I could change my approach.

But I could feel it was the correct way. Severe, real planning. Discipline that I actually follow. I had a strange moment when I heard myself singing. I had been singing more frequently and heard the difference in my voice.

I decided to practice with myself what I preach to my world. “Step by step. One step at a time. Don’t give up.”

“Yes, it might be that we go backwards to solve a yesterday problem, but it’s the only way to go forward, to keep up progress.”

I am the fount of positivity. Except for myself.

I printed out daily schedule templates. One for work days, the other for days off. I started thinking about that vision of my life. How would I move it there? What daily habits so I need?

Files and categories.(ok, they are purple..)

What schedule did I really need? What did I need to do everyday? What are those little moments which get me to the big changes?

It felt like a million ways to fail. Maybe that is why I had avoided them.

So, with days left before Christmas, I wrote out daily schedules. Then I broke them. But then I felt horrible when I did.

Then I decided I might have to switch daily goals to a different day of the week. I might need to switch again.

And then I did not need to switch. I realized I could write. I realized what I wanted.

And why.

I realized I did not want to not know. I could fail. And I would be okay.

I purchased file folders for my drawer at work. Turns out I ordered letter sized hanging folders when my drawer was legal sized. But I got there. I googled on how to organize files.

Ugh. Is this level of detail necessary? Yes. Yes it is.

Legs.

I decided not to wait. I dressed in my new surfing-type swimsuit. I grabbed one of the multitude of plastic shopping bags I have stored in the pantry, threw in a change of top and fresh underwear, then drove to the pool.

I had planned to begin a new regimen starting with my usual January vacation. But a painful strain in my legs and my recent lesson in time caused me to update my plan.

I decided not to wait.

My Christmas Break.

I spent time with family. My brother and I caught up with each other’s life. We ate seafood.

I worked, then had odd days off. I received my booster shot.

I ate real spaghetti noodles!

Real noodles.

And after I got hit with the realization of my mistake with time and energy, I did receive my vacation request for January. After telling myself I needed the discipline of each day rather than a block of time, I received a block of time.

Bonus…all of a sudden I may have time.

Happy, happy New Year!

May you enjoy peace, contentment and love…

Lots of love,

Stephanie

Published by Stephanie Monka Springborn

Hi. Welcome to my blog, the brick dandelion. I am... just me. Thank you for joining me. Love and Blessings, ~Stephanie

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