Not to wait.

Tuesday, December 28, 2021

“I packed a change of tops and fresh underwear into a plastic shopping bag. I just picked up, deciding not to wait….”

There’s waiting and then there’s waiting. I decided not to wait.

For some improvements, I need to wait as changing my operation of life and business needs a block of time. But that’s not true for everything.

Perhaps the best changes a person can make are those little changes, the promises one vows to oneself.

I was in the thick of Christmas preparations. With a week to go before the holiday, I found a moment to self-assess.

(Just to interject here, I realize I must sound like a repetitive record of the dullest kind – a continual grey, banal noise. But I think it’s the nature of the beast. To attempt at improvement or goal attainment is not all glittery and poetic. Most of the time it feels like a road in foggy weather.)

Both professionally and personally I realized I was not at points where I wanted to be. Certainly I had made drastic changes to both, plus I have been doing the internal mindset, even soulset, type revisions.

For example I have moved positively in the direction of being unapologetic. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it?

I am getting used to the idea of venturing out, beyond my comfort zone.

I have work to do in the area of choosing to take care of myself. I need stronger limits but not for the world outside of myself rather for my own actions.

Before Christmas I realized I was not getting done what I needed. Scarier yet was the realization that I usually do not accomplish tasks because I have the approach that I will reserve blocks of time to complete them.

Once in awhile I actually do create blocks of time. Mostly though, such times are fallacies. I felt wonderful with my holiday decorating but I thought about business and art. I thought about what I wanted to accomplish.

I looked at the Christmas trees, dreaming of what that kind of operation would feel like.

What would I be like? What were my expectations?

I concluded that I do not have the time. Oh! I don’t mean the time sense such as “I am fifty-six years old” lifespan type time. Although my mortality is a factor, there are countless numbers of people leading extremely active lives as they age. There are limits of course. I don’t see myself competing in the Olympics or becoming a prize fighter.

But to carve out a creative life? Yes, I believe it’s possible. To fine tune my creativity? Yes, I believe it is possible.

No, my time warning bells occurred thinking that I could reset my life and how I operate if I had a block of time to redo and research and plan. “I will figure out a new schedule and set priorities then,” I plotted to myself.

As I stood among the trees and lights and candles I realized that big blocks of time don’t exist. They never had, even when I scheduled big blocks of days. The blocks of time isn’t a solution. They won’t exist on the future, at least not for the purpose of scheduling and planning.

I won’t get caught up. Never. Never ever.

I had been so wrong. I realized I planned like that everywhere. I will derive solutions with the promise of time. Now of course there are decisions – plenty of them – that I make every single day. The ones closest to my heart, for myself, I keep for that promised land of time.

Oh, Stephanie. No, no, no.

It was the best Christmas gift I ever gave to myself. Let the lesson soak in. Let the prayer sink in. Let oneself realign with the universe in just a bit of a different way.

Just a little bit…

The plotted course.

My mind flooded. I figured this realization just gave me more opportunities to fail. I failed with the blocks of time approach. I did not have faith that I could change my approach.

But I could feel it was the correct way. Severe, real planning. Discipline that I actually follow. I had a strange moment when I heard myself singing. I had been singing more frequently and heard the difference in my voice.

I decided to practice with myself what I preach to my world. “Step by step. One step at a time. Don’t give up.”

“Yes, it might be that we go backwards to solve a yesterday problem, but it’s the only way to go forward, to keep up progress.”

I am the fount of positivity. Except for myself.

I printed out daily schedule templates. One for work days, the other for days off. I started thinking about that vision of my life. How would I move it there? What daily habits so I need?

What schedule did I really need? What did I need to do everyday? What are those little moments which get me to the big changes?

It felt like a million ways to fail. Maybe that is why I had avoided them.

So, with days left before Christmas, I wrote out daily schedules. Then I broke them. But then I felt horrible when I did.

Then I decided I might have to switch daily goals to a different day of the week. I might need to switch again.

And then I did not need to switch. I realized I could write. I realized what I wanted.

And why.

I realized I did not want to not know. I could fail. And I would be okay.

I purchased file folders for my drawer at work. Turns out I ordered letter sized hanging folders when my drawer was legal sized. But I got there. I googled on how to organize files.

Ugh. Is this level of detail necessary? Yes. Yes it is.

Legs.

I decided not to wait. I dressed in my new surfing-type swimsuit. I grabbed one of the multitude of plastic shopping bags I have stored in the pantry, threw in a change of top and fresh underwear, then drove to the pool.

I had planned to begin a new regimen starting with my usual January vacation. But a painful strain in my legs and my recent lesson in time caused me to update my plan.

I decided not to wait.

My Christmas Break.

I spent time with family. My brother and I caught up with each other’s life. We ate seafood.

I worked, then had odd days off. I received my booster shot.

I ate real spaghetti noodles!

And after I got hit with the realization of my mistake with time and energy, I did receive my vacation request for January. After telling myself I needed the discipline of each day rather than a block of time, I received a block of time.

Bonus…all of a sudden I may have time.

Happy, happy New Year!

May you enjoy peace, contentment and love…

Lots of love,

Stephanie